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Talking Myself Out Of Depression (Feeling. not illness)

Depressed again. Alone with my thoughts, no games to distract my attention. I wasn’t able to do any work again today. I just kept putting it off. When did this become such a problem. Thoughts of quitting my job, moving back home.
Am I homesick?
I was there last night and I felt extremely exasperated.
I feel useless, in need of a change. My heart can’t bare the loneliness, my mind can’t bare the laziness.
Perhaps a new rule is needed.
Pass the round, no more, no less, except for accidents. Check the board every day, but never play till you need to. Abstain from social networking. Learn, create, grow. Focus on everything else that you used to…lol I did it again. Ideal worlds dreamt up by baseless ambition. Just need to switch off. Skip the addiction for one day?
Try it. Go on.

I can’t force myself to do what needs to be done.

Wow. 

So depressed today. 

But it’s the middle of the week so I guess no one’s around to help, not that I’m sure what I would say. Why can’t I bring myself to get on with my life. There isn’t really anything holding me back. 

This isn’t procrastination, this is a mental issue. I don’t want to do any work. I don’t want to interact with my family. Yet I yearn for new company. So, by disregarding those who know me the best and not being able to reach new company, I’ve become lonely. 

Things were easier in these environments controlled by others. Everyone was forced into these enclosed spaces, forced to do the same things creating opportunity for conversation and growth. I realise how lucky I was to be in that situation. A lot of people give it shit, but there’s nothing wrong with it. There’s nothing wrong with learning.

So what are the adult social groups? Sports, pubs, clubs, bingo? I wonder, do drugs cure loneliness? I’m sure it can make you forget. If I don’t sort myself out soon, I’m going to ask for help.

I’m running out of time. I’m running out of space. I’m running out of…social interaction and happiness. 

The Eloquent Spirit Of A Brain-Dead Human.

The ones who seem most out of touch with reality are often those who are most in touch with people - why is that? How can they read other humans so well? You know the ones who appear to have no real academic prowess, but then come out with things that make you just step the fuck back in underestimation. 

Socially inept beings with enough life skills to make you feel inept practically. You should never really judge a book by its cover. GCSEs and other academic measurements really do not define a person. A silly example, but that same person who you bested in every test score could beat you at every video game you ever picked up - could draw a better version of your best drawing without even trying, can have a collection of useless facts bigger than your entire collection of worldly possessions and can have a way with their desired sex that makes you seem like the socially awkward introvert you believe them to be.

It shouldn’t come as any surprise - everyone’s good at something, but you’ve already belittled them. You want to think that you’re better than they are, and ever will be, at any, and everything except failure. Should they make a joke at your expense, the temporary malice you feel as you run through every insult you can call this degenerate is as if you have magma flowing through you. 

Either, you should stop being so closed minded and judgemental of those who aren’t “intellectual beautiful” by society’s standards or you should become an elitist and befriend only those who meet the required standard dreamt up by your own prejudice psychosis.

=[ =( :( ;’(

Ok fine, just a quick note, just to say that this is unfortunate and I’ve already left it too late and I really wish I didn’t, but now I have and today I woke up late because I didn’t set my alarm because I forgot and I was just late just last weekend and I set up all my alarms which was technically already true, but today was overtime and I forgot and I woke up late and I got a call and I was late and it’s on file and my manager probably doesn’t know yet and I’m going to have to tell him and I’m not sure how to go about doing it but he did say to just be honest and it wasn’t that bad because it was a weekend and nothing went down just like last weekend where I could’ve been wrecked after raving, but I wasn’t and I stayed at home and it’s just all really unfortunate because I’ve had a perfect record up until now and now I’ve done two bad things twice and I’m a little bit worried but I’m hoping that this will all blow over and be a distant memory but that can’t happen until I confront my fears and type up the email that says that I was a fucking idiot and didn’t set my alarms, even though I just said i would set them up and that I wouldn’t be late again and FFS it looks fucking bad - but it’s not like I took anything down - I just hope I will be scrutinized a little bit more and that will be it but I just don’t know ATM  and I need to leave this building because I’ve been comfort posting and it’s getting a lil crazy and and and…..well whatever.

I’m not happy. Though it could all be for nothing since I don’t  know what the outcome would be should I submit the email detailing my recent failures. 

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